Friday, June 13, 2008

Curses . . . IDVS IVNII.

I was just thinking about curses. You know, terrible curses. Curses aren’t things people think about much anymore, really, are they? It used to be that people feared curses. It’s kinda like curses were old-world drama. Now we fear drama – it’s all about drama. If Sally does this, or Shelly does that, it’s going to cause drama. Drama drama drama. We've become Dramaphobic, and rightfully so. Drama sucks. It was not always so . . . back in the day, if Sally pissed Shelly off, it was on. And by on, I mean, Shelly would totally curse her ass.

It used to be God (or The Gods) cursed people too. But now apparently God only does good things . . . (Notice that people thank God for everything good that happens, but don’t blame God for anything bad that happens . . . unless of course the Westboro Baptist Church is involved, in which case God is still cursing everything). Back in the day though, if things were not going right, you knew that the Gods cursed yo ass.

They’ve just fallen out of popularity, curses. I think they should come back. Wouldn’t that make everything all better? Well, maybe not better, but certainly less complicated. Imagine a world where all of the high school drama disappeared, and everything was more straight forward. If your BFF stole your boyfriend, you could just totally curse them. No more need for dramatic Facebook wall battles, or socially eviscerating your enemies on Myspace. Just nab a bit of their hair, or maybe a couple of their nail clippings, grab a few scented candles, and ZAP!

But if this were the case, I think the curses should be at least sort of mild. Do you ever notice that when you read a book, or see a movie, that the curses are always “terrible?” Literally, “terrible.” They always say, “They were inflicted with a terrible curse.” The word “terrible” is always emphasized with dramatic voices, sometimes even rolling the r’s. You will never see a pirate movie where some important captain figure says, “Upon the crew was bestowed a curse most mild!” And this somewhat cursed crew, who would be slightly annoyed by a mild curse, would not likely go on any big adventures to end their faintly inconvenient plight.

Not that I have a problem with terrible curses, mind you. Nothing gets your point across by making someone into an undead zombie until such time as they return coins to a chest, or making their fields unable to yield crops, or perhaps slaughtering all the first born children of a nation. And nothing says “I love you” like making a person unable to bear children, or maybe striking them blind.

But the punishment should fit the crime, methinks. So I definitely think mild curses are the answer. A). Mild curses are more original. B). Terrible curses are more befitting a drama queen, and really who wants that? C). Mild curses can be a lot more fun and leave more room for creativity. Imagine the mischief!

Someone starts talking smack about you behind your back? Looks like it’s time they started having uncontrollable gas! And what if Shelly told Shirley’s secret to Sharon? Well, Shelly was due for an acne outbreak anyway! And as for that BFF who stole your boyfriend? Well, the BFF could always miss a period and have an “Oh my God, I’m pregnant!” scare while the boyfriend begins to suffer from a combination of erectile dysfunction and frequent premature ejaculation. And as for that otherwise really cool and awesome friend that you have who just keeps picking on you . . . his Ipod could stop working and start showing that little frowning Ipod icon.

Yes, I am still trying to figure out who cursed my Ipod.

Now doesn’t this sound just a little bit better than some of the drama that most of us try to avoid on a daily basis? What would have more impact? Deleting Shelly from your Myspace friends? Or cursing her Myspace and deleting all of her friends? And besides, in a world where everyone fears being cursed, people are bound to be nicer to each other.

Well, in case I’ve given anyone any ideas (or fears), know that I am going to start selling charms and amulets to protect against curses. If anyone fears mage-drama, do contact me and I’ll hook you up . . . just as soon as I make one for my Ipod. My charms are guaranteed, for the most part, and come with a certificate of authenticity. My prices are very fair, and in this curse-filled world, how can you afford to be without one?

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